Chatting up Doctor Who - Series 1 (REGENERATION VERSION)
by BattleOfDuty
Summary: What happens when loads of people chat Doctor Who on a online forum? This of course! Contains the episodes - Rose, The End Of The World, The Unquiet Dead, Aliens Of London/World War Three, Dalek, The Long Game, Fathers Day, The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, Boom Town, Bad Wolf and The Parting Of The Ways. WARNING - BAD LANGUGE; SEX JOKES AND ALL OTHER FUNNY STUFF. DISCONTINUED
1. Episode 1 - Rose

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 001: ROSE (2005)**

outsdr  
On Tonight's Episode: Doctor Who and the Colonoscopy of Doom

GlitterRock  
o/` A great adventure is waiting for you ahead...  
Hurry onward, Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be dead...  
The journey before you may be long and filled with woe...  
But you must escape the gay man's ass so your story can be told! o/`

Indomitus  
...and runs headlong into Richard Dean Anderson coming the other way.

AlexGariepy  
A Sliders/Doctor Who crossover! Because NO ONE demanded it!

jammer427  
Proof that the British Empire was far more expansive as once thought.

gleeb  
A cunning anagram for "Clenches hot ricer spot".

Zee  
...or "Eggs" to his friends...

gmask1  
"And in local traffic, there's been an accident in the vortex... wait, it looks like a stationary title graphic has been hit by SG-1. More details at 8."

GlitterRock  
aka "Rowdy" Billie Piper

GlitterRock  
Now in conjunction with BBC Wales, we introduce ... the all-new Billy Big-Mouth Doctor Who-Singing Bass Logo!

AlexGariepy  
They got a new kayak logo? Ooo-wee-ooo, indeed.

ChaosWolf1982  
Doctor Who, now in convenient chewable pill form.

jammer427  
Yet another celebrity perfume?

GlitterRock  
"It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck ...to blow!"

Gray_Zombie  
It was on the planet Skaro, that my old enemy, The Master...  
"Gray, that was the previous Doctor, we've moved on, now."  
Ok...

AlexGariepy  
We interrupt this show to bring a preview of the next Sim City game.

__Dita DuPave  
_Apparently, she still thinks she's eleven years old._

Indomitus  
_Trading Rooms was here._

AlexGariepy  
_Aha! So this is really a Doctor Who/Legally Blonde crossover! Because NO ONE demanded it!_

LongLiveRock  
_It's the time of month to dye her white cat pink!_

GlitterRock  
_o/` Sheeeee's gettin' up, so you better get the party started... o/`_

LauraPowers85  
_"OHMYGOD!WHEREAREMYBRATZDOLLS?!"_

The BitShifter  
_Rose lives in Pee-Wee's Playhouse?_

GlitterRock  
_Jareth rolls over in bed.  
"What the... HOGGLE? What the hell was I drinking last night?"_

AlexGariepy  
_.oO(Maybe I should've added more pink...)_

TheLurker  
_"Saffy, sweetie, go get mummy the number to the detox center... AGAIN!"_

Gray_Zombie  
_And remember, If it's not Boak...don't fix it. Hahahaha. Oh I kill me._

outsdr  
_Come on Rose, make me happy... just reach out and shove that damned sandwich right down his throat._

Zee  
_Nonthreatening Black Guy . . . The Series_

outsdr  
_"I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_*taptaptap*  
*burp!*_

  
GlitterRock  
_Coming up, on "America's Next Top Auton"..._

  
AlexGariepy  
_"March, my pretties! Take all the latest fashions and bring them to me for FREE! Mwahahahaha?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_Billie never heard the Coca-Cola Machine sneaking up on her ... until it was too late._

  
outsdr  
_She's got a serious case of Romulan eyebrows going on._

  
AlexGariepy  
_.oO(I wonder how long before people will make a cult following after me studying every episode I'm in...)_

  
gmask1  
_"Basement - Discount mensware, childrens footware, Spooky Mulder, possessed mannequins - going up."_

  
GlitterRock  
_Wilson... aka "The Electric C.E.O!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"BLOODY 'ELL! CAPPERS! Er... it wasn't a pick! No pick, no pick!"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Our Doctor Who companion, ladies and gentlemen._

  
outsdr  
_Do you ever get the feeling that plastic lesbians are staring at you when you're not looking?  
Um, yeah... me neither._

  
Gray_Zombie  
_The Autons are back...and they're dressed for Spring in our new GlitterSpring wear._

  
GlitterRock  
_Oh no ... it's Fraternity Autons! And they're HORNY!_

  
Trin Tragula  
_"Is that applause I hear?"_

AlexGariepy  
_*gruff voice* "Yes, miss, all 'de bloody colors of the rainbow are here at this wonderful factory. *cough!*"_

  
GlitterRock  
_This budget is even LOWER than the original series.  
For the opening sequence, they have Billie Piper running down a tunnel going "OOOOO-WEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOO!"_

  
LauraPowers85  
_I don't remember Ellie's trip to get the generator restarted being this colorful or this cluttered. And where the hell are the raptors?_

  
GlitterRock  
_"How about a quick snog before the viewers realize this is a children's programme?"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Look! A soccer game! Wanna join in the ensuing riot?"_

  
Trin Tragula  
_"I've got a plan! And it's as hot as my pants!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_Wow. The Auton on the left's got a severe case of man-boobies._

  
Indomitus  
_So this time Dr. Who is fighting a boy band?_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Where are you taking me?"  
"To the BBC, something's not right for this show, the effects look too good for this budget."_

  
GlitterRock  
_"I'm dead now. Don't smoke."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"What's the password?"  
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!"  
"Right this way..."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Hot prosthetic, pass it on..._

  
gmask1  
_Oh fine - have your arm back. Spoil sport!_

  
GlitterRock  
_"It's but a flesh wound."  
"I tore your bloody arm off!"  
"HAVE AT YOU!"_

  
outsdr  
_"Rose! Could you give me a hand?"_

GlitterRock  
_"Yeah. I convinced Davies that havin' a buzzcut would make me more aerodynamic at climbin' through ventilator shafts."  
"Does it?"  
"Pffft, hell if I know. I just didn't wanna wear a wig like McGann did!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Ewww! What's semen doing on the elevator-button?"_

  
Dita DuPave  
_Is he trying melt an entrance or give it a cool, refreshing flavor?_

  
The BitShifter  
_"Now, if we can just find a 1970's Led Zeppelin poster..."_

  
outsdr  
_"Your store totally mangled my iPod and I WILL have a refund!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_Meanwhile at Angel's hotel..._

  
Dita DuPave  
_Oh no, they turned off the machine in Ghostbusters HQ._

  
Indomitus  
_Iiiiii'm... just gonna back away slowly from the "arm chair" comment that just sauntered through my head._

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Care for some pink tea?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_Miss Brahms?_

  
Indomitus  
_Why does she have Dr. Theopolis hanging on the wall over the mantle?_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_I get the feeling she STILL doesn't think she's emphasized enough the fact she has breasts._

  
AlexGariepy  
_Must... have... pudding pop!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Next on FOX News, how many puppies die every day and what IS the *real* cause?_

Zee  
_She's got that "Just Fucked" hair!_

GlitterRock  
_"What the? DAMN! I meant to press Pepsi ... and I hit the 'Doctor' button instead. Can I get a refund?"_

  
outsdr  
_"You make kitty scared"_

  
The_Gray_Zombie  
_Everything will be just fine...knock on wood.  
"Doctor, did your last regeneration take place under power lines?"  
Heheheheh...why?_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Hello? Anyone home? McFly?"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"I say, you bloody be HEALED, ya bleddin' scouser!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"'Ello! Door-to-door soccer hooligan! Need any hooliganning done 'round the house, then?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Oooohhdamn! Lost a contact! Don't-"  
CRRRRACK!  
"-take a step."_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_Man, Mattel's just said "F#ck it" with the new Barbie designs, huh?_

  
GlitterRock  
_Wow! He's got a copy of the first issue of the Official Acapulco H.E.A.T. Magazine from 1988!_

...  
I'm still waiting for issue two.

  
Dita DuPave  
_Is this show still marketed towards kids?_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Silly comic book animators drawing their superheroines like sex objects... yet I can't help but stare..."_

  
Zee  
_"I totally did not guess this Mad magazine fold in! Al Jaffee, you rule!"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Seriously though, PINK?"_

  
outsdr  
_"Giant Hand say SHELF MUST GO!"_

  
Zee  
_When will your laxative kick in?_

GlitterRock  
_"Dear Lord, any bigger and I'd be a friggin' Ferengi!"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Is it me or do the Doctors lose more and more hair with each incarnation?_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Oh, sorry about that. I just thought I'd slip into something more comfortable. Result? Cute, sexy and lick-the-mirror handsome!"_

  
LauraPowers85  
_Now he's gunna start brushing his hair, then look straight at us. Then there's gunna be all these dying horses, a lone chair, some finger going through a rusty nail, finally ending in some white ring and a side view of a creepy well..._

  
Indomitus  
_When confronted with another male of its species, the Time Lord (Chronus Pomposis) will present its widow's peak in a threatening display of masculinity. Should that fail to warn off its opponent, a brisk and stern discussion will ensue, until one of them either concedes or is dead._

  
GlitterRock  
_He's being attacked by Johnny Depp's false-arm from "Once Upon A Time In Mexico!"_

  
outsdr  
_It's The Fugitive... in reverse._

  
Dita DuPave  
_Well, least someone's talking to the hand.  
I'm more interested in what the Hell that thing is on the mantle. Is it a petrified, deformed cauliflower?_

  
YibbleGuy  
_I'm pretty sure it's "Twisty, The Guardian Angel of Scoliosis," Dita._

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_I fail to see the point of keeping an elaborately-designed vibrator on your mantlepiece, Jenny..._

  
GlitterRock  
_"Ohhhh yeaHHHHHH! Watch the teeth, love!"_

  
TheLurker  
_YAY! The gratuitous fanservice is still in! HALLALUJAH!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Drop a pen into it! Drop a pen! PEN!_

  
The BitShifter  
_The Hand of Omega is giving them the finger..._

  
GlitterRock  
_Does a sentient opera-glove really warrant the use of the sonic screwdriver?_

ChaosWolf1982  
_"Good GOD, Rose! WARN me before you let one like that rip again! Jeez, I think my nosehair is burnt, now..."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_About time the woman in the group decides to cop a feel first._

  
The_Gray_Zombie  
_Tonight on Medical Center, a special episode of Trapper John MD_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Wha' did ya say abo' me team, ya bloody wigan?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_The Doctor holding hands with a girl?  
Mary Whitehouse suddenly rises from the grave to fire up a letter-writing campaign._

  
AlexGariepy  
_So his reaction to cheesecake is a big 'A-BUHHHHHH?'_

  
Dita DuPave  
_"Doooo youuuuu knowww the wayyyy of science?"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Oooooooo-weeeeee-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... there, happy now?"_

  
TheLurker  
_One episode, and already he's beat both Pertwee and McCoy's goofy-face records!_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_Gah... those wrinkles are so big I could use his forehead as a CD rack..._

  
GlitterRock  
_"Good news, Eccles. Auntie Beeb still won't let the Doctor kiss a girl ... but they're meeting us halfway, and they're letting you have an inflatable doll in the TARDIS!"  
"Score!"_

  
TheLurker  
_"Oooh, those cheeky Autons had this grab me bum!"_

  
outsdr  
_"Hand job! Hand Jobbbbbb!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"All I'm sayin' is that MAYBE Lucas is hitting the bottom of the merchandising barrel when he starts putting out a replica of Anakin Skywalker's severed arm..."_

  
LauraPowers85  
_"I call it the hand-reacher. Not as great as my finger-longer though. Oh, how I miss it..."_

AlexGariepy  
_*click* *beep-beep!*  
Well, you knew he had to have one of those keys sooner or later._

  
GlitterRock  
_One of the first things any Doctor Who companion soon learns: always wear a sports-bra.  
Nicola Bryant learned THAT the hard way_

  
outsdr  
_Stuck between a chitter face and a jiggle chest._

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Where's the trampoline I'm supposed to jump on at the end of the show?"  
"... Uh, this ain't that sort of show."_

  
jammer427  
_Everyone is trying to download that damn episode!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_She wants living plastic implants THIS big._

  
Coakley  
_Not quite as cool as liquid metal._

  
GlitterRock  
_Strangely enough, 200,000 websites about Pamela Lee are listed..._

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_...and that's WITH the SearchFilter turned on._

  
Indomitus  
_"Doctor LivingPlastic, I presume?"_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_So, the ancient Egyptians had Google?_

  
AlexGariepy  
_The Doc reminds all the viewers: Be kind to your Autons, please recycle!_

  
The_Gray_Zombie  
_...and Clive will have Josie Lawrence, Michael McShane, Ryan Stiles, and Colin Mochrie give you a description of the Doctor using these props._

  
AlexGariepy  
_All I know is that there's nine or ten of 'em, some of them older than me, and they had this bizarre theme music, and some of his companions are ditzes, and I should not taunt Happy Fun Brigadier... or something. And he faces giant salt shakers and Anthony Ainley.  
Can I go now?_

Indomitus  
_How the hell did I get this? I was searching for pictures of Cameron Diaz... er, I mean, I was searching for hotel rooms. Hotel rooms, for my vacation. Yeah, that's it._

TheLurker  
_You know, I always wondered why in the old series, no one ever talked about the Doctor's exploits.  
Now he's got a web-stalker. How times change._

  
jammer427  
_"Shit! It's Billie Piper?! After the court order, I was convinced that she wasn't talking to me through those songs!"_

  
daupstart  
_Dr. Dre contemplates the art of drive-bys in London..._

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Are you here to do-over my house? Wait, you'll just make it all pink, forget it!"_

  
Zee  
_Maybe it's the kid brother from Better Off Dead and he's ordered another girl from the back of a cereal box._

  
TheLurker  
_"Hey, kid, you order a stripper?"  
"Yep. Uh.. I haven't got much allowance. Will Pixi Stix do?"  
"... sure, why the hell not?"_

  
outsdr  
_"Clive! You're taking a hot younger woman you met on the internet out to the shed with you? Ok, I'll just be doing the laundry then."_

  
GlitterRock  
_You know, Clive's dirty underwear is probably in there.  
Sleep well tonight._

  
GlitterRock  
_He's in the Master's car from "Destiny of the Doctors!"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"How is this proof that the Doctor's a time-traveler?"  
"Adobe Photoshop didn't exist back in 1963."_

  
Indomitus  
_Wow. Real proof... that a bad headshot of Nicholas Cage has been pasted into an old photo._

  
GlitterRock  
_Is that Omar Sharif sitting in the front seat?_

  
GlitterRock  
_"...and this is Tim Curry as the butler in 'Clue.'"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Even in the past, people still had their thumbs in the pictures._

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_No, no, no! I said I wanted a chocolate BUNNY for Easter, not a chocolate Barry. Hmph..._

GlitterRock  
_Special guest appearance by the Eighth Doctor and Sam Jones in their VW Bug._

  
GlitterRock  
_Gary Coleman peeking in Darth Vader's meditation chamber?_

I gotta lay off the 'shrooms while capping, man.

  
Dita DuPave  
_And now, Time Lords on trampolines!_

  
Zee  
_OPA!_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Oh damn. There's that tart Jennifer Ellison. I swear, next to Jordan she's the only thing more plastic than the Autons- OH, HI JENNY! HOW'RE YOU, LUV?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Bran muffin! Comin' at ya!"  
"MUTHAFUC-" (WHAP!)_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Next on BBC2, can Doctor Who survive the menace of the deadly Eskimo Pie-Men?"_

  
Dita DuPave  
_"Next on BBC2, can Doctor Who survive the menace of the deadly Hot Water Jug Hand-Men?"_

  
outsdr  
_"Next on BBC2, can Doctor Who survive the menace of the deadly pan-of-brownies hand man?"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_DOCTOR NO BAKA!_

  
The BitShifter  
_"Anyone here need to bake a pizza?"_

  
jammer427  
_"Do you like it? It's the ultimate in Surround Sound."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_LE-GO-MAN-I-AAAAAAAAA!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Zordon can't come to the screen right now, but if you leave your name and watch designation after the tone..._

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_Ah, good... I was in the mood for a REFRESHING MINTY teleport..._

GlitterRock  
_"C'mon Mickey! Let's get the kiss outta the way before the fanfic writers start a slashfic!"_

  
Dita DuPave  
_His companion is Chris Tucker?_

  
The_Gray_Zombie  
_Tonight, on The Head Detective_

  
GlitterRock  
_Wow! I heard these soccer hooligan pub-fights were rough, but I NEVER imagined..._

  
AlexGariepy  
_Why is he carrying Data's head?_

  
Coakley  
_Meanwhile, in a Sleepy Hollow diner..._

  
GlitterRock  
_Day One of shooting, and because of a scheduling snafu Eccleston erupts in anger and loses his head._

  
GlitterRock  
_I'm still trying to understand having the large Rold-Gold pretzels in the console room..._

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_Well, okay, but what about the giant Listerine-filled bong?_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"Come onnnnnn, save the world!"  
"No."  
"Awww, I'll be your friend."  
"No."  
"Give you nookie?"  
"No."  
"Offer you free pie?"_

  
Coakley  
_"Did Romana ever sass me like this? I don't think so. Did Tegan ever sass me like this? I don't think so. Did Ace... okay, maybe once in a while, but still..."_

  
Trin Tragula  
_"Does Rosie-wosie want her din-dins?"_

  
GlitterRock  
_"Ya wanna be one of my companions, Rose Tyler... ya gotta learn t'take a punch."  
WHAP!_

  
Trin Tragula  
_"One more thing before I agree to travel with you. Are there going to be any fart jokes?"  
"...No."  
"Promise?"  
"Promise."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah!"_

"Okay, maybe one or two..."

  
YibbleGuy  
_"It's 6:30."_

GlitterRock  
_"I got Austin Powers' mojo!"_

  
LauraPowers85  
_"So... feel like unleashing the dead upon Racoon City?"_

  
Dita DuPave  
_DAAAAHHH! Did Billie flash him?_

  
Trin Tragula  
_1970: Happy Fun Brigadier  
2005: Happy Fun Doctor  
Do not taunt Happy Fun Doctor!_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_I have no idea why, but this screengrab makes me very, very, frightened._

  
Dita DuPave  
_He's going to start singing "Land Down Under" any time now._

  
Dita DuPave  
_Sarah and John Connor should be up there somewhere._

  
gmask1  
_In a cost cutting exercise, Mount Doom was reimagined as a warehouse with a steam vat of lava, and some railing to throw stuff from._

  
Coakley  
_"Ah, you see one interdimensional portal underneath a high school, you've seen them all."_

  
gmask1  
_"See, he's just another mannequin. Now can I pull his head off?"_

  
LauraPowers85  
_No no no. When playing Tara Reid say your lines phonetically and with an air of confusion. And just stick your tits and ass out. Don't forget that._

  
GlitterRock  
_"MANCHESTER UNITED RULEZZZ!"  
"Oooooh, hold me back, mate..."_

  
AlexGaruepy  
_Zeus is a God for a reason. No matter where you are, he WILL zap you!_

  
Dita DuPave  
_Rayden does this just to screw with people, he's funny that way._

  
Indomitus  
_*She turns her head away and the mannequin starts jacking off again*_

outsdr  
_ChitterGirl will save the day!_

  
LauraPowers85  
_Bill: "Whoa, dude, embarking on another wacky adventure. Think of how many babes we can fit in that."  
Ted: _ _  
Bill: "... Keanu's never coming back, is he..." *weeps*_

  
outsdr  
_"Shut 'er down. That ferris wheel has gone all Aquaman on us."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Time-travelling ferris wheels now? Damn it, I *hate* time-travel!_

  
Diana Luna  
_Even the mannequins at Gap Kids are sick of the pushy salespeople!_

  
outsdr  
_For being mannequins of children, that one in the middle has an awfully big rack..._

  
Zee  
_A golem made of butter? But why?_

  
GlitterRock  
_VILLAIN PROFILE: The Nestene Consciousness  
AKA: "Shub-Niggurath"  
PLUSSES: Pretty creepy. A much better special-effect than the '70s version. Plus its got Nicholas Briggs' voice!  
MINUSES: A big blob o' goo is still a big blob o' goo, no matter how much you dress it up. Also, Nick Briggs' voice is even MORE unintelligible than Jon Pertwee's in "Zagreus!"  
SECRET DESIRE: That the missus never finds out about the tryst he and Inflatible Ingrid had while he was out of town voting on the Shadow Proclamation._

  
AlexGariepy  
_Never seen such a horrifying reaction to the Fonz. Eyyyy!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"What's going on outside?"  
"Oh, just a rise of the Autons again."  
"Oh, okay then. Want some tea?"  
"Sure."_

  
daupstart  
_ROOOOSE..." bud."_

  
GlitterRock  
_"ROSE! Erm... uh... this isn't what it looks like..."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_They're arresting the Doctor for trying to moon the big blob of goo._

  
Dita DuPave  
_WEEKLY WORLD EXCLUSIVE! NINTH DOCTOR SEEN IN PASSIONATE AFFAIR WITH THE LAWNMOWER MAN! DETAILS INSIDE!_

  
Trin Tragula  
_Just as long as there's no Roger Moore Tarzan yell..._

GlitterRock  
_FA-WOOSH!  
And that's how Anakin became Darth Vader. The end._

  
GlitterRock  
_Take the Nestene plunge!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_And Gul Dukat finally dies, and Sisko's taken away. The end._

  
YibbleGuy  
_... then brave Frodo cast Avril Lavigne into the fiery pit of Mordor ..._

  
YibbleGuy  
_... then brave Frodo cast the Gillette Trac III into the fiery pit of Mordor ..._

  
Dita DuPave  
_It's Gallifreyan Idol!_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Sauron's eye has glaucoma!_

  
Dita DuPave  
_They Came From Vera Wang_

  
AlexGariepy  
_About 20% of all Autons live below the poverty line._

  
Sidesk  
_"Cause this is Thriller/Thriller night"_

  
YibbleGuy  
_Welcome back to "Federation Aerobics with Jean-Luc." "One and two and make-it-so and ..."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_This is one ****ed up riot._

  
GlitterRock  
_Someone must be scratching the Nestene Consciousness behind the ear..._

  
outsdr  
_Rose finally wises up, and decks Mickey with a pallet. Unfortunately, he proves impervious to harm._

  
gmask1  
_... lean the pallets like this, and presto! Instant dis-used London alleyway!_

outsdr  
_Obscene chitter call._

  
AlexGariepy  
_Afterwards:  
TEXT MESSAGE  
*chitter-chitter*_

  
ChaosWolf1982  
_For the Doctor's Companion cellphone wallpaper, just text WHO to 755 55... Thank you for using JAMSTER!_

  
TheLurker  
_"Edina!"  
"Pats? Patsy, where are you?"  
"I accidentally filled my gas tank with vodka and drank the petrol, and I crashed! Make your little sober pipsqueak of a daughter pick me up now!"_

  
Trin Tragula  
_"(Have you heard? Chris Eccleston just resigned as the Doctor!)"  
"Woah! Really? I've got to tell everyone!"_

  
Indomitus  
_"My word! Gone, you say? Afraid of being typecast, you say? You don't think they'll replace Rose with a woman with no breasts, do you? God help them if they get a women with a huge honker, I swear..."_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Doctor Who is an icky elf._

  
Dita DuPave  
_Dah! Smarm reaching critical mass!_

  
Coakley  
_"I'm the Doctor! Gotta love me!"_

  
outsdr  
_"It's a TARDIS. That stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Smarm."_

  
Indomitus  
_*thrust-thrust-thrust-thrust-thrust-thrust-thrust-thrust*  
*SMACK*  
"Stop that!"_

  
AlexGariepy  
_"My very own Doctor Who cast character! I will name her Sue and I will hug her and squeeze and maybe cop a fee-"  
*SMACK!*_

  
AlexGariepy  
_Meanwhile, on the corner of Farscape and Coronation Street..._

  
AlexGariepy  
_The smile that shook a thousand cameras! ...?_

NEXT TIME:

**Episode 2**

**THE END OF THE WORLD**


	2. Episode 2 - The End Of The World

CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 002: THE END OF THE WORLD (2005)

**TheDiva **  
"Rose, why does your breath smell like time vortex?"

**GlitterRock **  
"Psst, Mickey. Don't look now, but there's one person too many in this screengrab, and I think it's you."

**AlexGariepy **  
Hi, I'm Doctor Who, and welllllllllllllllllcome to the SHOW!

**Indomitus **  
It wouldn't have been as bad if the Doctor hadn't been whistling and catcalling at every alien to enter the room. 

**Cyberbeast **  
If They Mated: Al Bundy and Gollum.

**SpaceHopper1999 **  
Damn, this guy is so versatile!

**LauraPowers85 **  
"When my gem glows red it means it's time for my organs to be harvested."

**GlitterRock **  
PUMAT between Death from 'Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey,' Alice Cooper, and a member of the Blue Man Group.

**TheDiva **  
With just a dash of Merlin from "Excalibur".

**TheDiva **  
Wish someone would give the Moxx the gift of clothing.

**LauraPowers85 **  
Emperor Palpatine wonders if this is an important delegate that he should suck up to, or another crazy homeless naked drifter. 

**GlitterRock **  
Sometimes...you just have to find out that an alien's an acid-spitter the hard way. 

**GlitterRock **  
"Oooh! I just remembered: I left the 'pink' on when I left the flat!"

**GlitterRock **  
"I give to you air from my lungs." _(long exhale)_  
**"WE/GIVE/TO/YOU/THE/GIFT/OF/ A/KICK/IN/THE/BALLS."** _(kick)_  
"AwwwAAAwwwwwAAWWWWW!"

**Indomitus **  
Let's see... say something nice... say something nice... um...  
I bet you could bounce quarters off her ass. 

**TheDiva **  
Her breasts take up half her torso...

**SpaceHopper1999 **  
Its Wilfred Brambell!

**GlitterRock **  
Happiness is a warm fart.

**TheDiva **  
"I KNEW it was a bad idea to equip the computer with a kill switch..."

**Gray Zombie **  
Duuuuude, I just paid a visit to my cousin, Weed. I'm so fucked up.

**TheDiva **  
Even the plant kingdom is susceptable to Chris' Unconventional British Sexiness.

**GlitterRock **  
Somehow, I don't think Tiny's the only one who's gonna be fucking a stump tonight...

**TheDiva **  
You know, considering that reproduction in her species probably involves bees or butterflies going from one person to the next, the quasi-sexual tension kind of loses something.

**eber3 **  
Damn woman, you could have told me about the squirrel before I stuck it in your hole.

**TheDiva **  
Someday, someone will have to explain to me how space stations always manage to make room for at least one bottomless pit.

**daupstart **  
We told Rose not to mess with those 5,000,000,001st Century shrooms

**TheDiva **  
So, Erykah Badu mated with a maple tree and the descendants thrived in the future?

**Indomitus **  
"Sun Fellator Rising"? THE HELL?!

**AlexGariepy **  
34|-|-ph \/\/1|| b pwn3d!11!

**LauraPowers85 **  
Girl got some killa nails goin' on.

**eber3 **  
Pppbbbbbtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt! I bring you the gift of air from my arse.

**GlitterRock **  
**VILLAIN PROFILE: **Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen  
**AKA: **"Bitchy Trampoline," "Michael Jackson," "Nip-Tuck."  
**PLUSSES: **The last 'pure-blooded human.' 708 surgeries has made her almost as thin as Kate Moss. She's Evil!  
**MINUSES: **Needs constant moisturization to stay...well, moist, otherwise she dries out. Poops in a little jar underneath.  
**SECRET DESIRE: **To lose just _five more pounds! _

**AlexGariepy **  
How can you lose five more pounds when that's all you weigh?  
"That's the mystery of life..."

**daupstart **  
Peach pits have evolved to exact their revenge on humankind. 

**Mattteus **  
living Chic-o-stix!

**GlitterRock **  
"One more step, Doctor, and my evil hedge-trimmers will whack you off!"  
_*titter-hee-hee* _  
"What? What? Oh now GROW UP! I meant with their weed-whackers!"

**GlitterRock **  
_"... but I'll tell you what it will be. The trip of a lifetime!" _

**AlexGariepy **  
If we go by "The Day After Tomorrow" rules, much of Europe, Russia, Canada, and the northern United States will be killed off automatically.

**LauraPowers85 **  
I tell you, that Speedy Gonzales. Love 'em and leave 'em.

**LauraPowers85 **  
...and when I pulled back the sheet I knew there was something terribly wrong with my cot.

**TheDiva **  
"Who stole my shoulder pads?"

**Indomitus **  
Probably the same person who stole her bra.

**LauraPowers85 **  
Aw man, not my leather blanket! I was curing that!

**LauraPowers85 **  
I see the kid who's tongue was cut off in the People Under the Stairs is doing well for himself.

**daupstart **  
"No, no. That's Doctor **WHOOO! WHOOO! **Like who allowed this series to continue running for decades on end. **WHOOOO!**..."

**GlitterRock **  
Yes, I'm shameless!

**TheDiva **  
One of the problems being a Time Lord is that you sometimes get five o'clock shadow at eleven in the morning.

**meqal **  
Worst part of being a Time Lord is sometimes you regenerate as Al Bundy.

**meqal **  
Got a hot babe, women adore me, and no wife. I think I could enjoy this Time Lord gig.

**GlitterRock **  
She's smiling 'cause she's that close to Chris Eccleston.  
He's smiling 'cause he's getting free chips out of the deal!

**Indomitus **  
He's smiling because of the dress.  
So am I, by the way.

**Indomitus **  
"Pardon me, madam, but you look a bit under the weather. Perhaps some of this wonderful hard cider, made by Charles Dickens himself, would cheer you up. Why, I haven't met a woman yet who wasn't cheered up by a good hard Dickens Cider..."

**GlitterRock **  
No caption. I just want to say what a kick-ass name _"Beccy Armory"_ is!

**gleeb **  
Do you think Sara Stewart and Silas Carson were happy because they didn't have to be made up like they're made of wood or anything? I like to think so.

NEXT TIME:Episode 3

**THE UNQUIET DEAD**


	3. Episode 3 - The Unquiet Dead

CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 003: THE UNQUIET DEAD (2005)

**Sidesk **  
_**"Don't worry, Sir. Just a prick with a needle."  
"Yes, but what are you going to do?"**_

**Sidesk **  
_**Black Eyed Peas claimed another victim.**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**Thanks for telling us who produced this giant lava lamp bong cross-breed.**_

**Indomitus **  
_**"I'm sorry, sir. I know I'm not Helena Bohnam Carter, but I ask you to please accept me as a reasonably-priced substitute."**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**I take it Doctor Who decided who should win the Color War of the Drazi.  
**_  
**Trin Tragula **  
_**"Ha ha ha ha ha ow my balls."**_

**YibbleGuy **  
_**"You're just jealous because YOU didn't think of inventing the hexagonal compact disc."**_

**Zee **  
_**"The people are in the streets, being groovy to each other! Let's build a teepee out of the desk!"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"Watch me levitate this bowl ... WITH THE POWER OF MY MIND!"  
"What's the light for?"  
"To set it on fire."  
"Why not set it on fire-ahem-WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND?"  
"Don't be daft! What d'you think this is, science-fiction?"**_

**GlitterRock  
**_**Mmmmm... Polar Ice...**_

**  
****Indomitus  
**_**"That's Brisk, baby!"**_

**  
****GlitterRock  
**_**"JeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEeeeEEEEEeeEEED!"  
o/` OOOOo-weeeee-oooOOOO o/`**_

**  
****AlexGariepy  
**_**Too much Dentyne Ice.**_

**  
****GlitterRock  
**_**Those are the WORST kind of dead to have at your library!**_

**  
****AlexGariepy  
**_**I hate that, I try to paint a nice picture and they interrupt me with all their "RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" and "BRAINS!" and "AAAAAAAH!" God, why do you have to make the dead so damn loud?**_

**  
****Diana Luna  
**_**What's Alanis Morresette doing here?**_

**  
****tysolna  
**_**"It's a good thing I'm the same size as Romana!"**_

**  
****Indomitus  
**_**I don't know. From the look of that dress squeezing her breasts like an old tube of toothpaste... she's not.**_

**  
****Indomitus  
**_**Why did they have to make a prequel to Teen Wolf?  
And why Kevin James?**_

**  
****tysolna  
**_**"Fantastic! It's Jon Pertwee!"**_

**  
****AlexGariepy  
**_**"This angers my breasts!"**_

**  
****tysolna  
**_**"You left the batteries for the anti-gravity bra in the TARDIS?"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"That's it, I've had it. We're three episodes in, and I can't hold back m'pimp hand no more! (SMACK!) SHUT UP, GIRL!"**_

**Diana Luna **  
_**"Everybody is waiting! Now get your ass out there and show some titties!"**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Bill Deal tries to talk Merlin The Magician into joining the Rhondels.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Peter Rivera tries to talk Victor Hugo into joining Rare Earth.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Doug Gray tries to talk Rutherford B. Hayes into joining the Marshall Tucker Band.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Peter Cetera tries to talk David Helfgott into joining Chicago.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Patrick Simmons tries to talk Ho Chi Minh into joining the Doobie Brothers.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Ed King tries to talk Cyrano de Bergerac into joining Lynyrd Skynyrd.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**YibbleGuy tries to talk other Cappers into joining the thread.**_

  
**The_Gray_Zombie **  
_**Paul Williams tries to talk Tom Hanks into doing Ladykillers II: Electric Boogaloo.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Hullo. I'm Ed. If you have someone die in your home unexpectedly, just call me up, and either me or one of my kin will run over and get him. We've got reasonable rates, an' balloons for the kiddies. So remember: when you want t'take care of your Unquiet Dead dilemma, think of Ed And Company."**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**Alright you two, break it up!  
This is too much physical contact for "Doctor Who!" Hell, this is even too much physical contact for 1869!**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"Uh Chris... do you mind? You're in Simon's shot."  
"Guh-hee! I'm Doc-tah Hoo!"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"You're fired."  
"Master Trump, no!"  
**_

**tysolna **  
_**"What exactly was that in my mouth just now**__**?"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"You WILL give in to the power of the bald!"  
"Must... not... submit..."**_

**Indomitus **  
_**Comprehensive laboratory tests have provided conclusive evidence that, in a wind tunnel, the bald man has the distinct advantage.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Hey, they're supposed to be Unquiet Dead! Why're they shutting her up?  
"They've heard her sing before, Glitter."  
Ahhhhh. Point well made.**_

  
**tysolna **  
_**Missing: One teacup.  
Suspect: Green alien on the left.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Tea, sir?"  
(Professor Chronotis rushes in from the 'Shada' gallery) "Did someone say 'tea?'"**_

  
**tysolna **  
_**"It was rather small in diameter... but it fit my mouth perfectly."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"And then you add just a PINCH of panic, and voila, you got your very own Victorian mob..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**It's the Victorian "Mystery Science Theatre 1869!"  
"Greetings friends. I am Master Joel Robinson, and this is my artificial companion, Tiny Tom Servo. Today, we shall be sitting through a performance of 'The Serpent on the Hearth.' I'm certain it will be quite dreadful."**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**John Quincy Adams: Patriot, President, Booger-Flicker.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"You don't honestly think that any British show, no matter how futuristic, could get away with not using period costumes once in a while, do you?"**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**"Eh? What? Speak up!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Sure, you can laugh now ... but Charles Dickens had one HELL of a right-cross.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Heeheehee, I got no top in this library and no one's arresting me!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Psst, those aren't onions, and you're not peeling them so quit sobbing.  
"They remind me of back home and Mr. Potato Heaaaad... wahhhh..."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Your period costume looks wrong... aha! That earring wasn't supposed to be around for another two years!"  
"How do you know this?"  
"... Shut up, I'm not the time-traveler here!"**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**She's sad because the honey pot was empty before she got it. Damn that Pooh bear.**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**"Make the most of this one, things go downhill a bit soon..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**This is one of Data's weirder Holodeck poker-parties.**_

  
**Trin Tragula **  
_**"Good day to you, and thank you for coming! My name is Beardy McBeardmaster, and I shall be your host this evening..."**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Oh spirits from beyond, can you hear us?"  
"Yes, and we can totally see down your..."  
"Ted! That's your MOM, dude!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Oh bloody 'ell, not MORE bloody time travelling circus freaks..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**.oO The Gelth better not be sneaking a peek down my cleavage. Bloody alien pervs! Oo.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**.oO(Perhaps showing too much of my bosoms might bring too much attention from the aliens... nahhhh, that's crazy talk.)**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Heeheehee... BEWBIES!"  
*slap*  
"Ow..."  
"Get a grip on yourself, Doc."**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Topless paparazzi photos of me? Tschah! As if!"**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**I take my hat off to Indo for figuring out a good way to spell "Tschah!". I've been wanting to comment on her "Tschah!" face for the past 487 screengrabs, but was utterly flummoxed as to how to write it out ...**_

**Indomitus **  
_**And here, we see illustrated the importance of getting clothes with the correct cup size.  
*sounds of balloons being squeezed to breaking point***_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**Megatron! So YOU'RE behind all this! ... Again...**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**VILLAIN PROFILE: The Gelth  
AKA: "Gassy Lassy"  
PLUSSES: Spooky, gaseous beings. Plaintiff moaning and wailing very effective. Taking over the dead is a pretty damn smooth move.  
MINUSES: They were beaten by Charles Dickens, for crying out loud! Next thing you know, we'll hear how Oscar Wilde defeated the Cybermen!  
SECRET DESIRE: For a race made of gas, they hope to ally themselves with the Slitheen - and create the greatest fart-related alien empire ever!  
**_

**tysolna **  
_**Waiting for Will Decker.**_

**Indomitus **  
_**"I'll do one season and then I be gone, just like *snap* that!"**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**"And when I snap my fingers, you will become my arm candy... wait, that isn't new..."**_

**gleeb **  
_**Onions for lunch, huh?**_

**Gray Zombie **  
_**o/~ Downtown, there's no rules for us. We live Downtown...o/~**_

**Zee **  
_**"Get her." That was your whole plan. I liked it. It was scientific.**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**Oh get a room!**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**Who needs shipper fanfiction when those two are already eyeing each other so damn much?**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**"The evil nazi Dr. Sclitchenberger came back from the future to try and mess with this timeline, and he's hiding within this very room, in disguise... there's only ONE way to flush him out!"  
"How's that?"  
"... Hitler."  
"Zeig H-... god damnit..."**_

**YibbleGuy **  
_**Martin Van Buren asks the audience to give it up for Star Search contestant number two.**_

**gleeb **  
_**"MY GOD! YOU'VE INJURED MR STOOLS! SPEAK TO ME, HOWARD!"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**Kingsford Servants light quickly and burn evenly!**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**(writing)  
"Dear Diary. I'm on fire. Well, this day's just gone to SHIT, hasn't it?"**_

**Indomitus **  
_**.oO(A text message? Now?)Oo.**_

**Zee **  
_**A naked Elizabeth Shue takes a crap? I don't know how to feel about this.**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**.oO Can't believe I convinced Rose to walk around naked. Wish I'd thought of that line when I had Tegan or Peri on board! Oo.**_

**YibbleGuy **  
_**o/` "The HELLS are alive  
With the Sound of Music ..." o/`**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**Oh no, the Goblet of Fire's going crazy!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Ah crap, who knew she was going to be imbued with the powers of the Phoenix? Damn it.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**We're watching them watching The Ladykillers on a portable DVD player?**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Giant snowmen attack London looking for Santa Claus. And Billie wears something more revealing!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Must be a slow news day.**_


	4. Episode 4 - Ailens Of London

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 004: AILENS OF LONDON (2005)**

**TheLurker  
**_**I think I speak for all of us when I say: Oh FUCK there's two of them!**_

**  
****AlexGariepy  
**_**This woman is causing havoc in time and space with some icky elf. She is considered perky and dangerous.**_

**  
****TheLurker  
**_**Yeah yeah, smile it up. What's da deal? I'm blonde and cute and sassy too! And I never married that twat Chris Evans! Why her? Why not me? Why not Kylie Minogue even! At least I've heard of her! At least SHE wasn't on the fucking American Pokemon Movie soundtrack!  
Damn, maybe I shouldn't be capping at this hour if I'm so irritable.**_

**  
****outsdr  
**_**So... the new Doctor is... Tommy Tune?!**_

**  
****TheLurker  
**_**Where is Rose?  
Hangin' with the hos  
Tegan and Jo  
yo.**_

**  
****AlexGariepy  
**_**"And you didn't even bring a souvenir? What kinda bloody time companion are you?"**_

**  
****RodRocket  
**_**"You could have at least snapped a few pictures of the Panopticon with your camera phone!"**_

**  
****TheLurker  
**_**"Rose, you're very dear to me, but your mom's a slut, your boyfriend's a pussy, and your house is fucking ugly."**_

**GlitterRock  
**_**"What'd the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! I'm Jackie Tyler, bitch!"**_

**TheLurker  
**_**Britney and Madonna! No, wait, to much clothing.**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**That's a pretty pitiful street gang they got going there.**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**They better be careful. That wall has been tagged by the infamous Pooh Krew.**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"I saw your picture on Page Three!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**.oO(Crap, she's trying to sing again, where's my Tylenol?)**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"900 years in time and space and I've never been slapped by someone's mother!"  
"What, never?"  
"Nope. Closest it ever got was Tegan's grandfather smacking my ass in 'The Awakening.'"**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**The rent's cheap, though.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Aw crap! And they just got that fixed after the aliens blew it up in "The War Of The Worlds!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Wonder why aliens keep crashing into that thing anyway. Does the clock attract aliens like moths to a fly? If so, I gotta call Ottawa, the Parliament Building might be in trouble.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Adam Duritz aimlessly wanders the streets, asking if there's any spare crow-counting that anyone needs done.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Wow. Cheri Oteri can't find work in the UK, either.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Physics?! Y-You told me you were a doctor of gynochology! I let you-"  
"HAHAHAHA Ahhhhhh... Yeah, I know."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**His head is trying to escape from his neck.**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Uh, if the object has crash landed into Big Ben ... you can probably upgrade it from "Unidentified" at that point.**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**Well, at least they didn't get St. Paul's Cathe-  
*CRASH!*  
Dang, there goes the old Thames Television skyline.**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"Shouldn't I be a pop star? Crikey, I'm at least as cute as Samantha Fox!"**_

**daupstart **  
_**"... And if you call now, you can feed these poor, malnurished alien parasite children for just pennies a day..."**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**"Hello, this is Alien Emergency Helpline."  
"Yeah, man, I need some help with this. If they really didn't change the script after casting a woman as Ripley instead of a man-THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE SCENE AT THE END OF THE MOVIE WHERE SIGOURNEY WEAVER STRIPS DOWN TO HER UNDERWEAR?!"**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**Ah, yes. Christmas at Granma JM's house. Some rather painful memories there...**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**Suddenly, the Doctor longs for the comparetively peaceful quiet of Adric, Nyssa, and Tegan.**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Give me the remote.  
"I wanna watch Teletubbies."  
No, we're gonna watch the news.  
"I wanna watch Teletubbies."  
This is much more important.  
"I poo poo in my pants."  
Oh for the love of...Tom Baker didn't put up with any of this, why me?**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Take my panties, as a token of my appreciation for what you've done for us, Doctor."**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**"Another tragic victim of Caitlin Bree."**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Here's some soap. Try it."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Carrie Fisher, Department of Star Wars Copyright Infringments...**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"Life's not been the same since BBC Television cancelled 'The Two Ronnies'!" *choke***_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**"You thought you were just here to see the PM, but tonight, Harriet Jones, This Is Your Life!"**_

  
**Diana Luna **  
_**Joan Sims and George Wendt guest star in the next episode of Judging Amy!**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Wow, Daisy and Onslow really clean up for Hyacinth's candle lit dinners, don't they?**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Dah! Is the Doctor on a permanent sugar rush?**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**Well you saw the face - why would you think the ass would leave you any saner?**_

**RonnieDobbs **  
_**This guy's face picked really bad real estate. One hard rain could trigger a massive forehead slide.**_

  
**Zee **  
_**We now return to The Breakdancing Ninny, already in progress.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_***perky* "Who wants mochaaaaaaaaa?"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Shhhh! Bad alarm! No wailing! Bad!"**_

  
**The_Gray_Zombie **  
_**Is there a problem, gentlemen?**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Look, if it's about the whole Brigadier thing, that was like decades ago!"**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Ready, men? EXPECTO PATRONUM!"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**Christopher Eccleston IS Doctor Who AS the Evil Monkey in Chris' Closet.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Why is Robert Patrick peeking around the corner at my job?**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**Wow, the Time Lords have some sweet Etcha-sketches.**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**The Fat Men Society. Yes I said men.**_

  
**SweetHeart666 **  
_**Jackie Chan must've touched his car radio.**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Quick game of three on Who?"**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Jesus Christ, RealPlayer?! I'm supposed to watch my past exploits in RealPlayer!?"**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**Is he still plastic here, or is this his real acting?**_

**Indomitus **  
_**"Make yourself at home. Dr Strangepork will be with you in just a moment."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_***sign switches* OCCUPIED**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**IS IN. PSYCHIATRIC HELP 5¢.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"It's the wolf! It's the wolf! He's got a machine gun! RUN!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Ahhhhhhh! (oink! oink!) Bad Wolf! Bad Wolf!"**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**"You can run, but not forever! Comrade Napoleon is always right!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Jerry, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive! The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**And all *I* keep thinking about is whether Miss Piggy will make the save and "HI-YAH!" Doctor Who.**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"I'm going home, now. Whee! Whee! Whee!"**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**o/`"AhhhhhOOOOOOH! Aliens Of London!  
AhhhhhhOOOOOOOOH!"o/`**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Who ordered the chopped veggies?"  
*raises hoof***_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**The third degree of Kevin's bacon.**_

**Zee **  
_**Tonight on Fox, Muppet Autopsy!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**The autopsy on this thing is gonna be *delicious*. Mmmm, pork ribs...**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**"And today on Blue Peter we'll be turning the pigmen into ham, bacon, porkchops... man, it's been a while since we ate Doctor Who villians!"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**Always wondered who'd win in a fight between Katherine Pulaski and Julian Bashir?**_

No, me neither.

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Why? Do I look like I've had too much coffee? Huh? Do I? DoIdoIdoIdoIdoIdoIdoI?! Huh huh huh?"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Now the question is, Doctor, will you choose to bid on the item?... or Buy It Nowwwwww?..."**_

  
**YibbleGuy **  
_**Armed guards are necessary to protect the citizenry from Harvey Weinstein.**_

  
**RonnieDobbs **  
_**This must be a type of aversion therapy. Thoughts about wolves being bad are taught to be associated with painful stimuli like intense light. Pro-wolf extremists have stooped to a new low.**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**So, anyone spot this week's subtle reference?**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"God, not now. Time emergency."  
Oh, sorry.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Doctor! Any comment on the alien spaceship crash?"  
"Doctor! Any comment on the rumors of invasion?"  
"Doctor! Any comment on the Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt rumors?"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**He is holding back such a 'what's all this then'.**_

  
**RonnieDobbs **  
_**"C'mon, lemme smell your hands! The smell is gonna be all gone by the time you're done smelling them!"**_

  
**SweetHeart666 **  
_**"Come on! Look at me! Would you destroy a cute little face like mine? Hmmm?"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"You try seeing with your eyes painted black. Like I don't have enough to worry about being a Cabbage Patch Kid... From SPAAAACE!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Quick, activate the Time Lord trap! And don't cross the streams for God's sake!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"It's pretty much the same episode, but in another universe. Everything that happened before happens again, the difference? There'll be lots of free pie."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Aww... Hugo's finally getting his ham!**_


	5. Episode 5 - World War Three

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 005: WORLD WAR THREE (2005)**

**GlitterRock **  
_**"NORM!"**_

**JMShearer **  
_**Uh, Doctor? You kinda need to use both hands if you're going to do a hadokken...**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**And the Doc uses his force powers to hold Darth Sidious' lightning bolt.**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**Ha! I knew the Slitheen were the Bush administration!**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**Don't say it's gonna sing...**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**o/` Oogah-chaka, oogah-oogah, oogah-chaka, oogah-oogah...o/`  
(dancedancedance)**_

  
**zephyr **  
_**Headline: Bedbug arrested for biting the President**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**I'm guessing if you're a Slitheen and your plan goes all pear-shaped ... it's a good thing?**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**The ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**Gaaahh! It looks like a big fat mutated Marilyn Manson!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**So the Doctor's going to defeat the aliens with a Hebrew National Bologna?**_

  
**Dita DuPave **  
_**Daaah! A Gollum clone threeway!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Decanter? I hardly KNOW 'er!  
... ... Come on! Oh, I see; it's awlroight if YOU lot say your little funny jokes, but if *I* do, suddenly it's 'orrible! Ah, screw you all, I'm outta here in a few weeks anyway."**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**Considering all the pickled eggs, pickled onions and other vinegar-based foods in his apartment, I don't think Jackie should be pressing on Mickey's stomach like that**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**Wooden coathangers? Blimey, they must be posh.**_

  
**The Secretive Bus **  
_**"I'll get me coat..."  
"Hey, that's my coat!"  
"IT'S MINE NOW!"**_

  
**Diana Luna **  
_**That is one f*cked up Kirby game!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Do Not Spam Happy Fun Brigadier**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Wait a tic...You're on the internet pretending to be a woman, again, aren't you?  
"...I like the attention"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Darth Vader used to sit right here in this seat! And he killed a man from here right there where you're sitting, Rose."**_

  
**SweetHeart666 **  
_**[cockney accent]"And I told you, son, to stop this TARDIS bollocks a get yourself a proper job!"[/cockney accent]**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Denise Richards is constipated.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Sammy Sosa: our last defense against the aliens!**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**They were horrified to come face to face with... Kim & Aggie from "How Clean Is Your House?"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**As a mixed couple living in the ghetto, Jamal protected his family by learning the ways of the Jedi.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Someone killed a lot of Vulcans here.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"All I said was 'I don't know!'"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"In the name of the Happy Fun, I will gladly accept this cavity search in his honoOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

**outsdr **  
_**She is so much like the girl I lost my virginity to 14 years ago, it frightens me.  
Today, I'm gay. Coincidence?**_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**It was halfway through the debate concerning the governing of local borough councils that Harriet Jones noticed the infiltrator slowly creeping forward to steal her water.**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**Commissioner Gordon has some Skittles before he calls Batman.**_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**Thing from "The Addams Family" bombs Norwich.**_

**YibbleGuy **  
_**Do they have a MISSPELLING OF 'OVERRIDE' OVERRIDE too?**_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**Ooo. A mouse. This really is "Doctor Who" for 2005.**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**THAT is the big red button? ... I was expecting something more... big... and red...**_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**... Sorry, I just don't do smutty captions. You think of your own, y'hear?**_

What d'ya mean, that's never stopped me before? Cheek!

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**"We come from ze land of chocolate!"  
Rose dreams of herself skipping through Parliament, sampling the chocolate doors...**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"Doctor! I think I found a way to escape! It's a door!"  
"Rose, that leads to the closet."  
(whining) "B-but it's a doooooooooooor!"**_

**YibbleGuy **  
_**Thank God-at least it's 191,168 blocks from the Prime Minister's house.**_

**tysolna **  
_**Today, on Adopt-an-Alien...**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**The one in the middle is their version of the kitty!**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**VILLAIN PROFILE: The Slitheen  
AKA: 'Silent But Deadly'  
PLUSSES: Umm... uh... gimme a moment, I'll think of something... Oh! The CGI-ones looked cool running around! Yup, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  
MINUSES: Ohh let's see. Endless fart jokes, rubbery bouncy arms, endless fart jokes, Cabbage Patch Kids-faces, endless fart jokes ... ummm, have I mentioned the farts yet?  
SECRET DESIRE: To one day perfect their ultimate weapon, and use it on any unsuspecting planet. They'll just need to get someone to pull their finger first.  
**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**Slitheens are little Slytherins right?**_

**gleeb **  
_**"We've no chance! They control the horizontal and the vertical!"**__****_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**"Doctor no. 9 regenerates tonight after having failed to see the speeding convoy due to his insistance to flick snot at small children. That'll teach the childish bastard."  
**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**"I call bloody time out! Damn aliens are going too fast here!"  
**_

**Sidesk **  
_**Jackie's got nice mugs.**_

**The Secretive Bus **  
_**"HA HA! You're UGLY!"  
"Rose, for God's sake, that's your grandad."  
"Oh."**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**"We have to find our legs! We have to find our legs!"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**THESE-ARE-THE-CHAINS-I-FORGED-IN-MY-LIFE-  
"Uh, Mr. Dalek? The 'Charles Dickens' episode was a few weeks back."  
BUGGER.**_


	6. Episode 6 - Dalek

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 006: DALEK (2005)**

**Indomitus **  
_**Coprolite: the Movie**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"And here's the lump of coal I got Adric one year for Christmas."  
"Why?"  
"Little fucker deserved it! 'Decidedly immature since my regeneration,' indeed."**_

**The BitShifter **  
_**"That's the second-biggest piece of Jethrik I've ever seen..."**_

**Gray Zombie **  
_**Hey, we're at the Turd Museum in Citrusville.**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**"RAWR!"  
Translation: Beer me!**_

**twetwe123 **  
_**Yeah! Cool, man! Gimme a high... three.**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"The stuff of nightmares."  
"Hey, there's a zipper down the back- "  
"HUSH NOW!"**_

**jammer427 **  
_**.oO This is not excellent. Oo.**_

**TheLurker **  
_**"That's your terrible foe, the Cyberman?"  
"The BBC budget was much lower back then..."**_

**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"I've gotta tell you, though - he could filter lint like nobody's business."  
**_**TheLurker **  
_**One Dalek. Singular.  
Huh. I guess the budget's still limited.**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**Somebody dried out Natalie Portman.**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**I'll be damned, It's Compassion, and her earpiece!**_

**TheLurker **  
_**"Well, hel-loooo knockers!"**_

**Gray Zombie **  
_**What are you doing, Dave?**_

**AgentMoldy **  
_**"I stood for hours in that pose. HOURS! But does MTV ever acknowledge me for being the model for their video award? NO!"**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**So the DALEK is the evil one?**_

**Indomitus **_****_

**GlitterRock **  
_**The Dalek's going as Peter Criss for Halloween.**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**"HI-YA DOC, HOW IS IT HANG-ING?"**_

**Indomitus **  
_**Oh come on, like his nose needed to take up any more of the screen than it already does.**_

**TheLurker **  
_**"CABLE GUUUUUUUUYYYYYY!"**_

**AlexGariepy **  
_**And people wonder why the Dalek doesn't like Doctor Who so much...**_

**Halfreck **  
_**Anyone else think he looks like Francis Dolarhyde on acid?**_

**tinaw **  
_**"I'm turning into Mariah Carey, and the damage is irreversible!"**_

**daupstart **  
_**"Yes, my jaws DO unhinge, that's correct."**_

**Gray Zombie **  
_**Shall I do my tongue biting thing, now?**_

**Gray Zombie **  
_**Well, that's very mature. Farting towards the Dalek.  
"I flicked boogers at a Sontaran, once."**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"Mmmmmm... Billie doing that little tongue-bitey thing... nice..."**_

**Zee **  
_**and CAMBOT as himself**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**The Doctor had to go to another planet, but he finally found that illegal high-flow shower head he was looking for.**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**I'm the Doctor, you REALLY gotta love me, coz I've got COOKIES!**_

  
**AgentMoldy **  
_**"HOW-AHH-YAAAA!"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"I got a million of 'em!"**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"I don't give a damn what Wolfgang Puck says! Ham and pineapple don't belong on a pizza! Same wit' barbecued chicken! Capice?"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"I'm outta order?! YOU'RE outta order! The Daleks are outta order! The whole BBC is outta order!... "**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**"It's not what it looks like!"  
"So what are you doing?"  
"Er..."**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"Wait, wait, it's not Elian Gonzalez, false alarm!"**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**Crossover Alert! Doctor Who Meets Stargate: SG-1!**_

  
**Halfreck **  
_**...meets "Backdoor Boys"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Man, this is the whole "Auton-buggering-him-in-the-'Rose'-episode" thing all over again!**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Yup, that's my vulva..."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Bob Backlund IS Doctor Who.**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**The Doctor has two chickens dancing in his chest, just like on that Peter Gabriel video?**_

**Sidesk **  
_**AL-ERT! HEN-RY ROLL-INS HAS ESC-APED!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Ohhh, another wacky Conan O'Brien skit!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**SIN-BAD LIVES!**_

  
**tinaw **  
_**Look out! It's rabid Luis Guzman!**_

  
**Zee **  
_**Jon Polito IS Donnie Darko.**_

  
**Halfreck **  
_**That Chet, always belching in the security camera!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Dear Lord! Between this pic and the Dalek-penis at the end of the show, suddenly I feel like asking PBS for my money back.**_

  
**LadyLoxley **  
_**Still doesn't put me off him... what does that say about me?**_

  
**Dita DuPave **  
_**You're just as freaky as the rest of us, LadyLoxley.**_

  
**LadyLoxley **  
_**Glad to know that, Dita  
(...so he's a little skinny. A week of roast dinners,and who knows? )**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Come on, you know you wanna spank me. I'm such a naughty Doctor! Go on! Just TRY and resist me!"  
(Oh, and , even if someone else thinks otherwise, that's all cool.)**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**"Take the telemovie off the screen... I'll do anything you want, just please stop making me watch it!"  
(Hey, even I think the guy's fanciable, and he's more than 20 years older than me...)**_

  
**LadyLoxley **  
_**Meanwhile, in my bedroom...  
(Thank you twetwe! Nice to know I'm not alone )**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Bloody hell, what was the safety word?"  
(In the end, every celeb has someone who fancies them and every celeb has someone who hates them. Despite it all, we all get along  
Oh... and here's a sandwich, Chris)**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**He's trying to escape before David Warner tries to make him say there are five lights.**_

_**N'gha! Four lights!"**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**"Awww, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**Just found out they're going to use the rectal probe.**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**"Now, we just turn on the Pink Floyd music, and the rest is automatic!"**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**BOOBIES  
What?  
I-MEAN-EXTERMINATE-EXTERMINATE-THAT-IS-WHAT-I-MEANT-YES-THAT-IS-MY-STORY-AND-I'M-STICKING-TO-IT...MAY-I-TOUCH-THEM?  
Wait, a tic. Gray, is that you in there?**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"THEY-LOOKED-BIGGER-IN-THE-BEACH-PICS."  
"Sod off!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"WHAT? I WAS ON-LY RE-FERR-ING TO YOUR BEW-BIES. WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH YOU HU-MAN-OIDS GET-TING SO DE-FENS-IVE?"**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**"DID-YOU-KNOW-YOU-HAVE-ETHERIC-BEAM-LOCATORS?"**_

  
**Coakley **  
_**"So, where's Davros? I was expecting Davros to show up like he usually does."  
"WE-AREN'T-JOINED-AT-THE-HIP-YOU-KNOW."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"THE-INSULTS-AND-JIBES-ARE-BAD-ENOUGH. BUT-DO-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-HURT-THE-MOST? THAT-'BUBBLING-LUMP-OF-HATE'-LINE-IN-DOCTOR-IN-DISTRESS!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Rocky, I don't even know what you look like. Can I touch your face?"  
"OF-COURSE-DIANA."  
And it was the Dalek's poor audition which led to Eric Stoltz getting the lead role in "Mask." And that's the rest of the story.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"I'm Doctor Who, BITCH!"**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**Cool New Dalek Feature: Hypercolor!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**CSI: Dalek**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**John Scott Martin pressed valiantly at the lid, but to no avail. In minutes, he suffocated to death.**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"PUT-YOUR-MOUTH-HERE-AND-SUCK-FOR-THE-ETHER, AND-THE-DENTIST-WILL-BE-HERE-IN-A-MOMENT."  
"Ohhh no, I ain't falling for that again. Damn perverted Daleks..."**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**So, a Dalek is joining us for some DW capping? I guess that's cool.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Don't worry, Doc! I'll suck you guys out with the plunger!  
[fsss][PHUCK!][fsss][PHUCK!]  
"Up-Upstart! Stop. Just stop. It... It's not working, so..."  
Hol' up! I think I saw something move!  
[fsss][PHUCK!]  
"Yeah. I... I think I felt that one suction my nipple!"  
"Please don't goad him on. Upstart, will you put down the bloody plunger and listen to-"  
Wait! I almost got it!  
[fsss][PHUCK!]**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"THERE-CAN-BE-ONLY-ONE!"**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**The Dalek encounters a greater evil - Google**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**The Dalek accesses the internet, downloads every argument about what's canon in 'Doctor Who,' and self-destructs!**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**"So, the western third or so of the US...?"  
"Yes, it's somehow fallen into the Pacific Ocean."  
"What about Canada and Mexico?"  
"What about them?"**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**We have the milk spill contained now, but we're going to need a huge airlift of cookies.**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**I don't think Morpheus is going to be too pleased.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**R2D2: Reloaded**_

  
**Diana Luna **  
_**The aliens from Mars Attacks just killed someone.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"It's perfectly safe. All you do is pull the lever and-"  
[BZZZHHHHHZHZHZZZZZ]  
"YUG YGYUGYGYGYGGYGYGYG!"  
"DOCTOR!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"YOU-GOT-SERVED. BITCHES."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"I-WANT-TO-GO-TO-FLOOR-500. THE-WALLS-ARE-MADE-OF-GOLD."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Stupid stairs aren't made for Daleks. Discrimination I say!  
"DIS-CRI-MIN-ATE! DIS-CRI-MIN-ATE!"  
Shut up...**_

**TheSpaceToast **  
_**I wonder if he has a dough-hook attachment.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Tom Clancy's Billie Piper Cell**_

  
**Diana Luna **  
_**One word: Orthodonics.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**o/` I saw a jelly baby stand, heard a Bannerman band,  
I saw a Fendahl that winked its eye.  
But I think I will have seen everything  
When I see an Dalek fly! o/`**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**OH-WHAT-A-GLORIOUS-FEELING-I'M-HAPPY-AGAIN...  
Well, that's pretty good.  
HOLD-ON-I-WILL-DO-MY-IMPRESSION-OF-MARLON-BRANDO  
Oh, ok. Let's hear it.  
STELLA-YOU-WILL-BE-EXTERMINATED!  
That wasn't in the...you know what, I think I'll look for a screengrab of Billie Piper doing her tongue biting thingy.  
YES-IT-IS-ADORABLE-AND-YET-AROUSING.  
Hey, you got a little laser gun down near the bottom of your...oh wait...oh...OH...Oh HELL no.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**They let R2D2's grandpa out of the nursing home to see the new movie.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**o/` Blue Eye Crying In The Rain... o/`**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Matt Murdock made-out with the Dalek on the rooftop for over an hour ... before it started raining and he saw it wasn't really Elektra.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"OIL-...CAN..."**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Gettin' Jiggly wit it.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Bet you Cappers were wishin' they cast Katie Price for this role right now, ain't ya?" (bounce bounce bounce)**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**This year's Dalek comes with an optional high-intensity light bar for off-roadin'!**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"MUST FIND DIRT TO SWEEP! MUST FIND DIRT TO SWEEP!"**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**THE DA-LEKS WILL NOT BE MADE LIGHT OF! WHERE IS THE EARTH BE-ING CALLED IZ-ZARD? I'LL PLUN-GER HIM!**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_***pinch*  
"Ow! Don't do that!"  
WILL-NOT-HAPPEN-AGAIN.**_

...  
*pinch*  
"Stop it!"  
SORRY.

**jammer427 **  
_**"Oh, yeah?! Well, you can just screw off! Here's your frickin' ring back, too!"**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**Jackie can bitch-slap the Doctor fine, but Adam can't.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"8... 9... 10...11... close enuff."  
"But it's a nine-items or less lane! You're mad, I tell you... MAD!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Cool! Not only do I have the BFG, but I used my Doom cheat-code so I could play as Christopher Eccleston!**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**"Stand back, unless you want to be covered in T-shirts!"**_

  
**LongLiveRock **  
_**Say hello to my little friend!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Ugh. W-would you like an Altoid, Mr. Dalek?"**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**"GO-ING DOWN?"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**He's hung like an egg beater.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**AND the Dalek also juliennes fries!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**The final season of NYPD Blue really jumped the shark when they teamed Sipowitz with a Dalek.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"'In-tru the window.' Heh heh. I knew that hiring Leno's writers would pay off one day."**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"So... do you make capuccino, or what?"**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**The Kaled Of Cthulhu?**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**What did they do to Treebeard?!**_

**TheSpaceToast **  
_**Friggin' Daleks got those blue Asshole Headlights put in...**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Dalek, this is God.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"And now, spotlight-dance on Rose and the Dalek..."  
(Billy Vera & The Beater's "At This Moment" swells in the background)**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**One of these days, they're gonna come up with a Dalek with a child-proof lid.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**  
Moving on...**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Photographic evidence from the Michael Jackson-molestation was released today...**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"I am the one true Everlasting Gobstopper! All other gobstoppers are but pale shadows of me! Bow to the might of layer after layer of flavor!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Nice to see that the xenophobic Dalek race were considerate enough to come up with a self-destruct system that wouldn't hurt any innocent bystanders.**_

  
**outsdr **  
_**The Doctor whips forth his Sonic Super-Soaker.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**Ick. She's Felicity-ing.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Metal-plate. Skull fracture when a little bastard brained me with a ceramic TARDIS back in Longleat..."**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**Ladies and gentlemen, the new Adric.**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**This is the year, 20-Odd-76-Pineapple-Blue42-Blue42-Hut-Hut.**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**Wait, my last grab is of a dead Goa'uld with a swastika on his head?**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**And... we change the channel suddenly to American Chopper... Looks like Paul's yelling at the crew again.**_


	7. Episode 7 - The Long Game

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 007: THE LONG GAME (2005)**

**meqal **  
_**Can I have a "Whoa Bundy?"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Alicia Keys is not pleased.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"My name is Cathica... but my full name is Cathica Pinkett Smith."  
"My god, Rose. It's worse than I feared!"**_

  
**tinaw **  
_**Oh shoot!**_

B**ch stole my hairstyle!  
Well, I look better in it, anyways. *snap snap*

  
**LauraPowers85 **  
_**AGHH! Oh... oh lord. Sorry. I thought that was Barbra Streisand for a second. Scared the crap outta me.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**You know what this means, don't you?  
"Ben Affleck's gonna have to get married again?"  
Precisely.**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Body of Boe claims child is not his.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**I see the aliens have the Wingdings font as well.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Shaaaaa! Dan, why'd you do that for?"  
"What?"  
"You pressed all the little poppy-things on my lid!"  
"It's what I do."  
"It's the year 200,000! You think that at least HERE, you might take a break!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**She sucks... and swallows!  
"You're really a sad little fanboy, aren't you, Glitter?"  
... ... ... It's a sickness.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Her makeup's gonna be a mess by the end of the episode at this rate.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Jeez. That smile gets any wider, and she's gonna have to let out her cheeks!**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Woah! She's Denise Richards-ing just a bit too hard there.**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Must be one of those Honey Comb kids I've seen on television.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Her smile is trying to escape her body!**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**...and I thought Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka teeth was freaky.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Hiiiii Cappers. Love ya work."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"I think I broke my bongos."  
"Maybe you should try the guitar, Phoebe."  
"Hmmm. 'Smelly Cat' *would* sound cooler on a guitar!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**What the hell kinda version of Dance Dance Revolution is this?**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**It controls OJHD (Obsessive Jazz Hands Disorder)**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck. Duck- GOOSE!"  
**_  
**daupstart **  
_**"You've been a bad girl! BAD GIRL! And I'm going to have to teach you a lesson!"  
"Oh teach me a harsh lesson, mistress!"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Umf. Ok... heh heh. Doctor, you can let go now... You can let go now, Doctor, you're squeezing my tits... I-I can't breath. Doctor, let go, LET... GO!"**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**"Remember to keep your cleavage covered."**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Alright! 4! I'll give you 4 freakin wishes! I'll throw in one for free! Just let me outta the goddamn bottle already!"**_

  
**AzuMiguel Diaoh **  
_**"Whhhhyyyy, blue-spotlight-Jesus? Whhyyyyyyyy?!"**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**The Doctor finds the secret hideout of Ace of Base.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_***pouty* "I dun wanna be a time-travelling companion no more..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Cube III: Why, God, Why?**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Well, at least in this one they have tampon dispensers."**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"I'm an icky elf. Cowabunga!"**_

  
**LauraPowers85 **  
_**"I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Just a lil' off the top, luv."  
[BUZZZZZZZZ-snag!] "Oh hell."**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**It's hard to "accidentally" get a bear trap stuck on your head.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"See? I TOLD you to stop fukin around with the gyroscopic skull sucker, didn't I?"**_

  
**JustinThyme **  
_**You, Cylon Raider in the background, get out of here and go shoot down the Galactica!  
By your command!**_

  
**meqal **  
_**'Time Lord' my ass. Bitch, you know this muther sells shoes for a living.**_

  
**meqal **  
_**See, I told you I was awesome with an Etch-A-Sketch.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Buy Orbit gum! [TING!] Fabulous!"**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**"I can't do it! I can't eat just one!"**_

  
**JustinThyme **  
_**And so if you stick this babelfish in your ear Arthur, you will be able to understand Jackie Stewart when he does F-1 commentary.**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**"It loooks like Niki Lauda 'tas havin a bit o' trooble wi' hees mootercar headin' into the sheecane..."  
[INSERTS]  
"Niki Lauda is having trouble with his car in the chicane."**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"Hey, Newt from Aliens, don't bogart those bongos!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**VILLAIN PROFILE: The Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe  
AKA: "Max."  
PLUSSES: Like most of the new series, an excellent special effect. Drippy. Lots of teeth. Has Simon Pegg for his underling, which automatically makes it cool - and works for the Daleks, which automatically makes it ULTRA-cool!  
MINUSES: Looks like a big clit with teeth. Sorry... but it does.  
SECRET DESIRE: To kill Russell Davies for giving him such an incomprehensible name!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Don't mess with me, fella. I busted some zombie-ass in 'Shaun of the Dead.'"  
"Oh yeah? So did I, in '28 Days Later.'"  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"Yeah!"  
"... ... ... Hm. ... .. Funny world, innit?"**_

**Dita DuPave **  
_**oO/That's a weak looking Patronus right there.\Oo**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**The Enterprise decides to beam up the local aquarium... I have no idea why.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"I can't believe they actually found a way to restrain me that's even WORSE than the one in the TV-Movie."  
RTD: "Ohhh, thanks for reminding me! Simon, bring in the crown of thorns!"  
"Hell..."**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Urp... this ride had too many loops..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"If you're gonna shackle me, make sure that Gray and Glitter are banned from the set."**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**How Google will work in 20 years.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Oooh, the Vulva Room!**_

  
**twetwe123 **  
_**"YOU!"  
"I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice?"**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**Remember the Nerva Beacon? Someone does.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"Hey, don't you be keeping that flow too slow. I can tell!"**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension  
"That oughta do it, thanks Doctor"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"That one! His name's Zombie! It's time for Shaun to get to work again!"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"It's wet, and headed straight for your ear! Mwah HA HA HAHAHAAA"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Is my area framed up okay?"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**[on screen] "Imbecile! You dare question me?! You see my rank symbols?! Do you know what this means?!"  
"Hey! You see THIS?! You know what THIS means?!"**_

**daupstart **  
_**"OMG! It's a zomb-"  
[peers down cleavage]  
"... heyyyyy."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**So the best job Suki could get was working at Satellite Five? I mean, with the look of THOSE, she'd have made a great Page 3 Girl for the the Sun!**_

  
**jammer427 **  
_**"I just wanted to sttopspby asnd fsayknf766eniwoa[olkcx'fnxczvm785,.z,, 9w2er  
(Drool shorts out keyboard)**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh... for the wings... for the wings... of a dove!"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**This fall, William S. Burrough's Talking Asshole gets his own series!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Why did you have the Ugnaughts give me a sex-change?"  
"I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."  
"... This deal's getting worse all the time."**_

  
**AzuMiguel Daioh **  
_**"Go on, tell me the truth- you see a resemblance?"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Let me get this straight: Adric gets to be in two seasons of the show ... but I get kicked out after one story?"  
"You're more annoying."  
"Than Adric?!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"I learned a valuable lesson today!"  
"Oh really..."  
"Yep! Alien holes with big teeth are bad."**_

  
**Zee **  
_**This is the world's smallest violin, playing just for the nipple-slippers.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"For the last time, Scientology is not a cult."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Sooooo... forehead-vaginas are a big thing in the future, then?**_

  
**The BitShifter **  
_**Ray for Hollywood.**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**Saddle up! TARDIS HO! "**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Yea, I had a friend who's cousin was in prison and he was raped. Looks like you topped his story.**_

**Indomitus **  
_**Well, the throwcovers don't match the drapes. I'm thinking the carpets don't either.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"We've got to get this air conditioning fixed! My face is melting!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**When you're starting to get mistaken for the Joker, I think it's time to throttle back on the makeup.**_


	8. Episode 8 - Fathers Day

**CAPTION DOCTOR WHO - EPISODE 008: FATHERS DAY (2005)**

**AlexGariepy **  
_**The Network Owns You Now. (*evil laugh*)  
**_  
**Zee **  
_**Ahh! Marianne Faithful did not age well at all!**_

**SweetHeart666 **  
_**The Somewhat Mariah Carey Mysteries**_

**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Do you, Boring, take this woman, Shrewish, to be your unpleasantly wedded wife?"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**So then the Doc saves Rose's dad, and suddenly Thatcher gets another term in office! Look what you did!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Okay, we GET it, the two have a 'connection' now. Beat us to death over it already.**_

  
**Dita DuPave **  
_**Hey, a promo picture from the Grand Theft Auto movie.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"... Get his wallet!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**(honk!) "Hey, are you on the job?"  
"Which one of us are you talking to?"  
"Whichever one's cheaper."  
(guy steps forward) "Hey stud, want a date?"**_

  
**LauraPowers85 **  
_**It's hard being the only living offspring of a human and a chimpanzee.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Doctor, I was just going through my bedroom in the TARDIS, and well... I found this. Who's 'Peri,' and why does she have an trophy saying 'Miss Hot Juggs, Thoros Beta, 1986?'"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Yes, do you tattoo... yknow... penises?"**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Hang on, let me check with the squirrels. Chi-ch-chi-ch-chit-chi-chi...!"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**She's cute, but I'd be too afraid to receive oral from her. Mouth like a bear trap. Snap! Nah, I think I'll pass.**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**This may seem like nothing, but by snipping this plant, Rose sets off World War IV in the future.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**o/` Shake it like a salt shaker / Shake it like a salt shaker.. o/`  
[starts shaking ass, goes down, touches floor, comes up]**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**"Lord, we thank you for the mercilously brief release of 'Daredevil' in the UK..."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Are you ... local?"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"EIGHTY-EIGHT MILES PER HOUR!"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"Hang on, my nose wants to talk to you..."**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Smiley O'Reilly! Leprechaun at law!"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"Giant larvae for sale! Getcher larvae!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Hmmm, she's somewhat Wendy Padbury-esque. I'd need to check her for her 'Satan's Claw' soul-patch to be sure.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**The SIMS in Hell edition**_

  
**Halfreck **  
_**Why would someone lob a flaming sofa at him?**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Finally! A bride acknowledges how hideous her bridesmaids' dresses are!**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**And now, Wedding Vows of the Hard-of-Hearing.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Her... her DOUGH'S rising!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"D'you mind? I'm tryin' t'save your universe here! So make yourself useful, and go MAKE ME A SAMMICH!"**_

  
**JMShearer **  
_**"You keep telling me the Cappers won't come back! But look! There they are again!"**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Get in the kitchen and make me some pie, woman!"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**"That good for nothin' dog of yours got his little ass in the living room and acted a damn fool!"**_

  
**gmask1 **  
_**"Go to your- eh, wrong episode? oh, err... well, you'd better come to my room then..."**_

**heSpaceToast **  
_**"Well, that was worth it."**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**"Hello, we're going around the neighborhood to see if you're interested in purchasing some Dragon Scout cookies and-"  
"AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!" [SLAM!]  
"OW!... This isn't working."**_

  
**Sidesk **  
_**Poor Pinkerella.**_

  
**TheSpaceToast **  
_**Pop her eyes open a bit more and she's that "Runaway Bride" waste-of-skin.**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**So Gary Coleman and Dolly Parton DID have some Diff'rent Strokes going on from 9 to 5...**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**Sam Gamgee: Hobbit Attorney**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**He's telling her about the time he lost his leg taking up collection once.**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**"That's it. That's the third time today I've gone an' knocked me 'ead on that bloody black bar. You'll be gettin' a stern letter abou' this, letterbox!... Bloody thing's a menace, it is."**_

  
**daupstart **  
_**The golden Hershey Kiss... OF THE GODS!**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"What is it?"  
"Everlasting matches! David Whitaker was brilliant!"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**"I have an idea! See? It's bright and yellow and everything!"**_

  
**Zee **  
_**Geez, she's like a deer in the headlights! Fetch my ass paddler.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Doctor! I'm outta ammo!"  
(takes gun clip, runs sonic screwdriver over it) "Here! Reloaded!"  
"Bugger, that really CAN do anything, can't it?"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Aw geez...  
You two're already in a church. Just take your vows, and get a room!**_

**daupstart **  
_**Dr. Who, with special guest star Chloe Jones!**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**(whisper) "I don't really care for this guest-minister, Harry."**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**"Can I get a FAAAAAN-TASTIC! here?"**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**The sermon got even more bizarre when the Doc started talking about meeting with Jesus.**_

  
**SweetHeart666 **  
_**"YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car!..."**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**He steps up to the pulpet... Adjusts his stance... He's pointing at the centerfield home run fence! I can't believe he's calling his shot!**_

  
**LauraPowers85 **  
_**"Everyone gets a hand-job! You get a hand-job! You get a hand-job! You in third row, you get a hand-job!"**_

  
**Indomitus **  
_**By Britney's 7th marriage, turnout starting getting sparse.**_

  
**gmask1 **  
_**The reserve seat holders of the Doctor Who Club of Frolesworth eagerly discuss today's guest of honor - Junior Technician Number 3 (uncredited) from The Hand of Fear.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Look, that shadow! IG-88's about to strike!**_

  
**RodRocket **  
_**"Shakira? What HAPPENED to you?"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**VILLAIN PROFILE: The Reaper  
AKA: "Not The Ones From 'Firefly!'  
PLUSSES: Great special effect. Creepy-looking. It ate up the Doctor! 'Et him up, like a liquorice all-sort! Ick!  
MINUSES: A little bit of a ripoff of Stephen King's Langoliers. Kind of like a Chronovore, except for no noticable strings.  
SECRET DESIRE: To find Blue Oyster Cult and kick their asses for ruining their reputation with "Don't Fear The Reaper."**_

**RodRocket **  
_**"I see my future mother-in-law has arrived early for the wedding..."**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**He ate the Doctor. The Doctor is...is...gone... That only means one thing...I'm in charge.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Can you spot the graduate from the Roger Moore School of Kissing in this scene?**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"Harold? Were you eating a Werther's Original in your mouth while you were kissing me?"  
"... ... ... ... ... (swallow) No. Why?"**_

**GlitterRock **  
_**"Dad! Don't nuzzle my titties with your chin! Eww!"  
"Hey, I'M the one who gave up his life to save the universe-"  
"Oh, fine, then!" (pushing them in his face)**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**"So, any other relatives you wanna go visit, save their lives, and nearly destroy the universe again?"  
"Shut up."**_

  
**Gray Zombie **  
_**Oh Bloody Hell, we're being capped again.**_

  
**TheLurker **  
_**The Doctor looks at Livejournal!  
"Wow, the girls really dig me! Fantastic!"**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**Ahhhh, it's Eugene Tooms!**_

  
**gleeb **  
_**Cool! My first delivery from the Severed-Limb-of-the-Month Club!**_

  
**AlexGariepy **  
_**Someone's a little eager for their mail.**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**I don't recall Eccleston being in "The Piano."**_

  
**GlitterRock **  
_**o/` Captain Jack will get you high tonight...  
and take you to your special island... o/`**_


End file.
